It all began during the long season of 2019. This season was particularly important as it resulted in qualifications for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. Unfortunately, right before the Toulouse event, I started to feel tired and exhausted from such a long competition season. Even though I was mentally and physically drained, I knew that if I want to get my spot for the Olympics I have to keep pushing. During the competition, I prepared myself and headed out onto the stage to give it my all. I ended up getting a knee injury on the first boulder. Nevertheless, I decided to continue the competition as giving up didn’t seem like an option. Sadly, my efforts were not enough to qualify and I spent all of December trying to recover from this injury.
By the beginning of January there was no time to rest anymore, as the last chance to qualify for the Olympics was just around the corner. Putting all my feelings and exhaustion aside, I started to train again. Training didn’t go perfectly as my motivation was depleted. However, I was doing it for the European Championship, to give myself the last chance to qualify for the Olympics.
By the beginning of spring 2020, I was in good physical condition, but still ignoring my head space. Trying to convince myself that everything is okay and I need to try hard just for a little bit longer. The box inside of me, where I put all of my feelings and stuff that I didn’t want to deal with, got overfilled. It brought me a massive burn out that I didn’t expect would last for so long. For the entirety of 2020, I was trying to get my stoke back. I rested, went rock climbing, tried to listen to myself and work on my mental state.
In October of 2020 I got sick with COVID-19, I spent the whole month mostly in bed. Thankfully, it didn’t hit me too hard. Nevertheless, I felt a lot of fatigue. So, as soon as I recovered, I decided to go charge my batteries in Turkey. That was one of the best decisions I made that year, it was an act of self love. With the sun, sea, rocks and my family I was able to breathe again. I felt very psyched to start my training period for 2021.
I had two amazing months of training. Coming back from the illness was hard, but the motivation was stronger than all the struggles. The whole of January 2021 I spent in Germany, training harder than ever. My ambitions grew with my stoke, and somewhere along the way I got too carried away with my expectations. I expected the best from myself and whenever I wasn’t satisfied with my performance, it hit me hard. I totally forgot that I am climbing because I love it. I love the process and the challenge of getting better and performing as well as I can, while learning along the way.
The day of the accident, I was invited to join a competition simulation for the German team at E4. I felt strong, but couldn’t read the boulders very well. Reading a climb is an essential skill for competition bouldering. By the end of the simulation, I was very pissed with myself for not being able to perform as well as I could have. I tried hard, but instead of stopping I decided to stay and work the boulders. I pushed through my tiredness, irritation and didn’t listen to my body anymore. It was then that I got on a dynamic boulder, took a huge swing with my feet and as soon as I missed the foothold I found myself in an uncontrolled fall. I started to turn badly in the air and fell sideways on my arm.
The five minutes that I was laying on the mats, waiting for the ambulance to come, felt like an eternity to me. I was in great pain and couldn’t move at all. I knew already then that it was all over for me. That my arm is broken and there is no easy way to fix it. When the ambulance arrived they were able to see straight away that I have a dislocated elbow, so they called a doctor who arrived in the next twenty minutes and my joint got put back into place in the ambulance, while still in the parking lot of the gym.
The coming days were filled with various medical tests. We did an x-ray, which showed us that the bones are not broken. Then, we did an MRI, which concluded that I would need surgery. I was really lucky to have a lot of support during that week. Someone was with me 24/7, I got the best sports surgeon and got an appointment for surgery super quickly. During that first week I was so concentrated on my physical health, that I didn’t allow any feelings in. I was too scared that if I allowed myself to feel it all, I would just collapse. I desperately wanted to be in shape for what would be the first surgery of my life.
It was a few days after the surgery, when my body was safe, that I began to process what had taken place. It hit me hard, in waves, I remember days laying in bed and feeling sick of everything. I remember feeling how unfair the whole situation was. I remember how all my plans just fell apart when I was told I will not be able to climb for the next three months. There were days that I wasn’t sure how to get through the day and keep my sanity. The fact that I couldn’t do any physical activity got to me. The two months after surgery I spent dealing with frustration and ups and downs of my mood. Some days were easier than other ones. Especially if I was busy with something. I became a master of doing daily activities with one arm. You know, you have to be creative to put your clothes on when you have only one arm. Or cooking something, or going shopping, but the most fun was trying to wash my hair with one arm :)
One and a half months after the surgery I met the person who would become my physiotherapist and it helped a lot. When you begin doing exercises, it gives you hope. I felt that I was in good hands. The collaboration marked the beginning of my daily work to physically build myself back up. We mostly worked on my extension abilities, as I couldn’t extend my arm more than 110º.
With a lot of physiotherapy, massages and exercises, I was working on my range of motion. I would improve approximately 7º per week, so every day one degree. It felt slow, but I didn’t know that once I hit 160º it would progress even slower. I had great support throughout this period. My sponsors, same as my team, friends and family, were all there for me. They all believed that I would manage it.
Finally, in the beginning of May I was allowed to climb again. It was hard to even call it climbing. I was able to move a little bit on the wall. It took me at least one month to get to the point where I felt I could climb some easy boulders. The motivation wasn’t super high as it felt like I was not progressing. But then, I slowly started lead climbing and that was where I felt the love for climbing again. Nothing felt as good as climbing to the top and clipping the anchor, even if it was only a 6a.
By the end of June, I climbed my first 7c route in the gym. I remember, I was so happy and proud. Every time I got on the wall, I could feel that my body still knew how to climb. Enjoying climbing became easier with every day.
By the end of July, I decided to compete at the Ukrainian Lead Championship. That competition gave me a lot to think about. I was nervous before my qualification route, as if I was competing for the first time in my life. Luckily, as soon as I started climbing I could get rid of all the negative thoughts and simply enjoy climbing.
Surprisingly, for myself, (because in my eyes I wasn’t in good shape) I won the competition. Instead of being happy and proud, I started beating myself up for not doing better, for not topping the final route, for feeling pain in my arm. It took me quite a few days to realize that I was being unfair towards myself and that being gentle to myself and my body is essential. I can’t expect to be perfect all the time, it is good for self-growth, but it needs to be a balance. After my win, the opportunity to take part in the World championship, in Moscow, appeared.
I spent the next few weeks thinking about Moscow. Do I want to compete? If so, why? Do I feel ready? What is the right decision? I felt confused and everyday the weight of not deciding made it harder for me to train and to function in general. Finally, I realized that I will not find a solution out in the world, I can only find it inside me. So, for a long time, I listened.
Life is greatly skilled at challenging you. At times, it feels so hard, but then suddenly you realize that everything you went through isn’t useless. You grow, uncover deep stuff that needs to be worked through. You fight, and you win battles inside of yourself. Living is a never ending process of learning.
That was the time, when I realized that there would be no wrong choices for me, anything I would decide was going to be the best option. So I went for it, I decided to take part in the World championship. Excitement was growing as fast as my inner fears. Nevertheless, I knew I will be there for myself, I will be as brave as I can be, and I will make it a great experience. Having a clear decision in my mind, helped in my training process as I knew what I was preparing for.
All of us have good and bad days. It is always easier to be nice and gentle towards yourself on a good day. My bad days were filled with doubts. It was not easy to let go of all the thoughts creeping in. “What if’s” filled my mind and even though I knew that they were as useless as worrying about the future, as I couldn’t possibly know what was going to happen, they still were there.
In cases like this one, I always try to concentrate on whatever I am doing. Being in the moment and not in my head always helps. Therefore, I concentrated on my training camp in Innsbruck. I felt weak physically, my strength would need more time to come back, so I focused on my climbing. I tried to make it as efficient and effortless as possible. I spent 10 days in Innsbruck and realized how close the world of competitions is to me. Training in the big gym, full of professional climbers from all over the world. The world championship was getting closer.
I remember, as if it was yesterday, how one day I felt like I wanted the WCH to be over. Living in this constant period of waiting with all the emotions inside me was hard, I couldn’t wait to already be in Moscow. To start the competition and see how it would all turn out. It was then, when one of the people closest to me heard me and reminded me that by waiting for it to be over - I was too concentrated on the outcome. When I should be reminding myself that I am not doing it for the result, but the process. Everything that is connected with climbing is what I love and the process of doing it is one the greatest joys. So, sometimes it is really important to remind yourself what you are doing it for.
When I arrived in Moscow, I was very thrilled. The atmosphere, people around me, everything felt so familiar. The athletes who came to me and told me that it was nice to have me back made me feel very welcomed.
The competition started with speed climbing. I was competing in order to have a result in the combined-Olympic discipline. I was very concerned about my arm, so I tried to climb as carefully as I could. Speed climbing was never my strong discipline, therefore I didn’t try to show my best or run a certain time. I was just happy to feel it from the inside for one more time.
Next up was the bouldering qualification. Since I entered the competition without a world ranking, I started second to last in my group. That meant I was going to spend 4.5 hours in isolation. It was fine, until it wasn’t.
After having slept for one and a half hours, the time to warm up arrived. I did my usual warm up routine, while watching the isolation area becoming emptier and emptier, until there were only a few of us left. At that venue, isolation and the competition wall are in one stadium, so you couldn’t see anything, but you could hear people clapping and girls trying hard on the boulders. Suddenly, I heard a scream, I was not sure what exactly had happened, but my gut was telling me something bad had happened. After a short amount of time, we were told that there would be a delay to the planned timetable, as two girls in a row got injured and were hospitalized. At the moment, anything that is connected to injuries is very triggering for me. So, I found myself in a state of trying not to think about it and not to freak out, the problem was that because of the delay I had time, I didn’t need to warm up anymore, as I was done and ready to start. I remember sitting there, freaking out a little bit, because I was scared. I don’t know which boulder it happened on, which group, would the girls be okay, would one of the boulders be dangerous. I had a rough time. One of the girls saw me being worried and she said: “Don’t take it too close to your heart”, I know she was right, but inside I knew that it was not possible for me at that moment.
Finally, they brought us to the wall and we prepared to start. The next 40 minutes were a real struggle for me. I wasn’t able to enjoy it, I wasn’t able to commit to hard moves closer to the top, I was terrified of trying hard. Climbing always has felt so natural to me, so it was insanely bizarre to experience it in this way. I remember after bailing on the top of the fourth boulder, I went back behind the wall and started crying, not because I was upset I didn’t top, but because the whole process felt like “too much”. After finishing with my qualification round, I felt a deep relief that I was out of there without a scratch. I didn’t expect it to be so stressful. I was overwhelmed to say the least.
Looking back on it, I realized how grateful I am for what I did next. I went straight home, luckily, there was no one. Fed myself warm food, gave myself space and time to feel and process my emotions, cried quite a bit and took care of my body. By the end of the day, I felt a lot of gratitude and pride. I showed up, I faced my fears, I was able to clearly see where the problem was and I realized that I had taken the first step of handling my fear. It was a hard experience, but I couldn’t have been more proud of doing it. I proved to myself that I am a fighter and I will not give up.
Being in Moscow felt right. It felt like I am in the right place, at the right time.
The next two days I didn’t have anything to do, except getting back on my feet and concentrating on the next discipline, lead climbing.
The discipline I currently feel the most comfortable with. As you are on the rope and there is a much lower chance of having an uncontrolled fall, I was excited to see how it would turn out.
After watching the demonstration video of my first qualification route I had a nervous giggle. There was a sideways jump onto a straight right arm. I was like: “Are you kidding me? Really?:D”. The challenge of getting back on the competition stage after my elbow injury continued. I was very worried about this particular move. At the time, I still wasn’t able to fully extend my arm or swing on it. I knew, the more I commit to the jump the better it would be. Then, when I was on the route, I decided to just do it as was demonstrated in the video, right hand… right foot… But suddenly I found myself jumping double-handed to the hold. That was even further proof, that my body knows what it’s doing, I should just trust it. The move went super easy, and I was so happy about it, that I simply enjoyed climbing for the rest of the route.
Coming off the route, I was getting increasingly excited to climb the second route. The second qualification route was as fun as the first one. After being done with my qualification round, I caught myself with the thought that it would be amazing to get a chance to climb again in the semifinals, which were to take place the following day . The rest of the day I spent at the venue waiting for the results, seeing my place dropping further down, but knowing I still have a chance. When the last girl finished her climbing and I knew that nothing would change the result, I got very emotional, as I got into semis in last place- 26th.
The day of the semifinals I was really happy I got the chance to climb again. It was also something new and exciting to come out first and climb the route that hadn’t been climbed by other competitors yet. I felt a little bit rusty after not competing for so long, but also just happy. Maybe I didn’t find the perfect flow and I made some mistakes, but I climbed well in my eyes and, most importantly, was able to enjoy it. Ending up in 17th place in my first world championship since the injury was a big cherry on top. After everything I went through it felt good to be back and to be able to fight and perform.
Competition climbing does not always show the strongest climbers performing as strong as they are during training, because competition climbing is much more than just physical shape. It includes mental game and psychological ability, luck, brainwork, technique, intuition, trusting your body and believing in yourself. It is about knowing how to handle yourself under pressure, how to enjoy the process and get yourself to do your best, because sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.
This whole experience taught me a lot: how to slow down and enjoy small aspects of life, how to be grateful for my body for everything it does for me. It brought me a lot of gratitude for people who are in my life, who showed up for me and gave me a safe space to live through everything.
It showed me that life is very fragile and can change in the blink of an eye. Therefore there is no time to waste, so I realized I shouldn’t take anything for granted and start appreciating every moment. Living your life is the bravest thing you can do.
Surprisingly, it brought me closer to myself, because it uncovered a lot of mental challenges that I needed to work through. It gave me a chance to reconnect with my body and regain lost trust. It reminded me how much I love climbing and competing. It showed me how much I am willing to do to return to my previous fitness and mental space. I realized how much I still want to achieve. It showed me how strong I am and how much I can go through. There is still so much work to be done, with my head and my arm, but looking back I know that nothing is impossible. I can do hard things. We all can.